Well Dearies, I've been worried about your Uncle Scooter.
As I reported to you yesterday, Uncle Scooter has to go to the "Big House" after an eensie little misunderstanding about whether or not it is a felony to lie to the G-Men (That's the FBI, dear ones!).
Why is it they always take the good ones away? I mean, he had a FAMILY to support: Us! Without his firm hand guiding the wheel, I don't know that the Vice President's office will be nearly as effective! I mean just look at all the bad things that have happened since: Sanjaya voted off American Idol, The TB Guy, and something or other over someplace where we're blowing stuff up. I mean Uncle Dick was so sad over his buddy Scooter's problems he shot some old guy in the face! And was forced to endure a humiliating apology from said Old Guy, who was sorry for all the problems he'd caused! If Scooter was still on top of making Uncle Dick's whims reality, that old fart would have been whacked before he got out the final y in "I'm Sorry!" Now Uncle Dick's Chief Of Staff doesn't even have the brains to finish off a septuagenarian lawyer. Obviously, when Dick shoots someone, they are supposed to DIE. Not stagger around saying "I'm Sorry!" It's unseemly.
But I was afraid that there was nothing to do about it. Uncle Scooter was bound for Jail. Uncle George was so bummed out about it that people were told not to mention
Scooter in the White House. Although to tell you the truth, I personally don't believe this. I mean, President Uncle George has "Characteristics." Does sticking his head in the sand really sound like something a man with
Characteristics would do?
Then it happened: Paris Hilton was set free from Jail! That's right, she was let out early for (reports vary) good behaviour, flawless skin-care regimen (very important for ex-cons!) and either
a) A funny little rash OR
b) being psychologically bummed. It all depends on whose paid source inside the Jail you ask. I know it's confusing, but things like that happen all the time. For example, when she first went in, there was a question as to whether or not she had a
full "Body Cavity Search."
So now is the time for us to help your Uncle Scooter, kids. Normally, of course, he never thinks of himself first. But in this instance, we need to make SURE that he does what's right for him. By which I mean he must first contract an embarrassing skin (and possibly social) disease, then get all mopey and frowny-faced about it. If he shows up for HIS body-cavity search with an odd little rash and a tear in his eye, then I just KNOW those meanies with the stupid ole' Justice Department (Hey! Why didn't Uncle Alberto Help Him? Or did he not get the e-mail about it?) would let him go home!
The only question is: who could help him? Who's life is so hard, it's guaranteed to make him cry? Who has a social disease and odd skin rash? Who knows all about the big house, making shivs out of acne cream bottles, and understands what it's like to be devastatingly beautiful?
I don't know. But maybe Paris could help him.
