Good Evening, and thank you all for coming today.
I'd like to read a prepared statement, and then we'll have a brief question and answer period. This is my Press Secretary, Mr. Munns, and to my right is my Highland Spiritual Advisor, Dear Roommate. Even though we're no longer roommates, and he's not very spiritual. He's still a Highlander. I digress.
Ahem.
First, I would like to thank you for your concern and prayers during the past 18 months.
The difficult transition from Librarian to overstressed corporate knowledge drone has been fraught with difficulty on several fronts.
The replenished bank account has brought with it an increase in caloric intake. Coupled with the sedentary work environment of no longer having to chase homeless people or break up sexual liaisons in the public areas of the library, the ensuing battle with weight has been at best, a draw.
Having my own apartment now, with a washer and dryer is fabulous, although to make myself feel more at home I have been leaving piles of dirty lingerie on the floor of my bedroom.
My new duties as Queen of the Amazons can be tiring, but the work on behalf of my people is ultimately rewarding in a spiritual sense.
As you have no doubt heard the rumors, I will confirm that I am now the proud owner of a Black Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, and have successfully made the transition to tough biker chick.
To accommodate safety concerns about riding the motorcycle, I have had to swap out my beloved wooden rulers for a black riding crop. Although I miss my rulers on a day to day basis, I felt the danger of having one break and stab me with splinters in case of an accident is too great. Therefore I made the switch to a more flexible instrument of enforcing discipline. To my long-time fans I can only say that I'm still the same person, I just have a slightly longer reach with my new "Crop of Integrity".
Indeed, I beg you to see that although there have been many changes on the surface; the overall themes, attitude and desire to enforce Library Discipline are all the same.
On the one hand I no longer have homeless minions fishing change out of the library fountain and bringing me shots of their Thunderbird wine, I now have Paolo, my Brazilian Cabana Boy bringing me fresh Martinis as needed. I no longer have access to the Library's extensive section on psychology and how to abuse the human consciousness; I have been able to purchase parts to bring my Killer Robot to near completion.
I'm still the same person. Beating Republicans still makes me smile. The coffee is still as sweet, and the sex is just as casual.
I ask you to remember this as I ride through your town pepper-spraying Conservative Party County Chairmen. Don't forget to take the time to appreciate a sobbing Fox News pundit as they run naked and handcuffed through the streets. My Handiwork is there to keep YOU safe!
After all, while some think that I do these things for fun, remember, I do them for all of you, My Special Dear Sweet Ones.
I'll now take some questions.
"Auntie Willow, is it true that you have been positively identified as the third person in the room on the new Amy Winehouse Drunken Sex-and-Drug orgy tape just released?"
THIS Press Conference IS OVER.
