Fortunately, I compiled a list of things that surely didn't happen while I was away.

Well Dearies, Auntie has been slowly settling into the new swing of things.
I still love my job, and I’m still learning my new home, but loving the ambiance.
Things have calmed down so much, I’m almost able to get back into politics….Let’s see here, Bush idiot, Bush has no clue about the Middle East, a section of the world that has made SMART Men confused for millennia, Condi Rice wonders why no one seems to give a crap what we say anymore, they just keep tracking our aircraft on radar for some reason, the Israelis and Palestinians and Lebanese and Shiites and Sunnis all seem to REALLY hate each other, oh yeah and they’ve all got guns.
Well, on second thought, maybe now is not the time to get back into politics.
Instead I want to examine what a friend of mine posted on his MySpace blog. Yes Dear Ones, Auntie has a place on that stupid, poorly coded homage to Rupert Murdoch’s desire to be a hipster. I got it as part of what I like to think of as the 2005 Bryan Street Peace Accords, which I guess ended all right in that nobody went to jail and everybody lived through it, although nobody involved actually TALKS to each other. Which is of course the point of MySpace, you can just forward stupid quizzes and poorly photoshopped pictures (Except, of course, for MY quizzes and photoshopped pictures, which are incredibly artistic).
Still, I know someone on there, I mean actually KNOW them. And they occasionally blog on there (excuse me, occasionally increase Rupert Murdoch’s Intellectual Property Empire by one entry).
And they put up a very interesting post.
It was basically 19 anonymous comments to his friends, with no names attached to each comment, so his friends get to read them and guess which one is which. They run the gamut from “I model my life after you” to “Your aroma is overpowering and disturbing. It clings to me for days after seeing you, despite my obsessive need to wash your stink off my clothes. Restraining orders should be served to you any day now.”
Of course Auntie is mentioned somewhere in there, I’m sure. I’m pretty sure that it’s the one that says “You have a truly gorgeous Ass. I would dream of you at night except so is every other man on the planet.”
Still, it was an interesting idea.
Now, since professionalism prevents me from actually HAVING friends, I thought I would take a moment to write a few comments for some people that really need them. See if you can guess which comment goes with which person. There is no prize for the winner, since I’ve never actually gotten around to mailing Gary’s prize for the “Auntie’s Special Day” contest.” (I SWEAR Gary, I’ll get to it someday!).
• Your Intellect would only be dishonest if you had one. Skating through your life thanks to Dad and his friends, you’ve now managed to screw up basically the entire world. Oh yeah, and we know you’re drinking. I would wish that you eat more pretzels, but considering you almost died from one, that would constitute a threat.
• Dude, you totally skated on shooting that old lawyer in the face. If it wouldn’t kill you, then your heart (such as it is) might have leapt for joy. Oh yeah, and congrats for turning Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side.
• Being the first black female Secretary of State for a Major Industrialized Country would have been cool if you weren’t such a two-bit political hack. Although you do dress nicely, in a fascist sort of way.
• As chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, you talk like you give a crap about Constitutional Democracy. To bad you fold anytime the Dark Lord snarls at you. Between you and Santorum, William Penn must be rolling in his grave.
• In 2000 you might have been President of the United States, the first black man to achieve such an honor. You had honesty, integrity, foresight, and moxie. Too bad you left all of that at a table in front of the United Nations, along with a vial of talcum powder that they told you was a dangerous bio-weapon.
• Man, I really hoped that Nevada Democrats had a spine and could have saved our union when they became Minority Leader in the Senate. That dream lasted about 5 minutes.
• Finally: Help us Obi-Gore Kenobi, You’re our ONLY Hope!
So Dearies, see if you can guess who’s who!
Oh, and who had the worst blurb on my friends post? This one:
“You have a vast intellect. But you use it for world domination and spanking people. Looking upon you is to behold what true Librarian Evil is. Please don’t spank me with a ruler.”
I don’t know who THAT’s directed at, but she must be a real bitch!

Ahh Dear Ones!
The joys of a day off!
I took yesterday off, you know. I used a vacation day to recharge the batteries of my soul (thoroughly depleted after a roommate turned on Fox News. Note to self: Need new TV, New Roommate.)
It was wonderful. I started the day doing nothing then when I got a burst of energy, I started Chillin'. Of course, all that Chillin' tired me out, so then I went back to doing nothing.
There was something that was tugging at the back of my mind, though. Oh well, I'm sure it will come to me in a little bit.
There's something that I saw on "The Daily Show", which unfortunately is the best source of Television News in the United States today. See, they said that the US Team Bus was the only one at the World Cup that didn't show what country it was from. Once again, something that I hadn't seen anywhere else showed up on the Daily Show. I did a little digging, and there it was. An article that stated that even Iran had their colors on the bus, but not the US. Oh wait, that link was to FOX Sports. And they took it down. Well, at least I can search for it. Huh? It's not listed anymore? Go figure. And FOX is always so careful about the news. Oh, well, they probably took it down to make server space for Babes of the World Cup. (Yes, Dears, I already checked, my beloved Carolina Panther Cheerleaders weren't on there.)
Wait, what other countries in the last century were so hated that they couldn't fly their flags? Oh well, not important.
In the meantime, I'm all aghast that the New York Times would reveal that the Bush Administration was doing something illegal, to keep us safe of course. See kids, Terrorists DON'T KNOW that a million dollar transaction between banks might leave an audit trail. So when the Times told Americans that every financial transfer was being sifted by the CIA and NSA, some people freaked out. BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE LOVE THE TERRORISTS! If they Loved America as much as your Auntie does, they would know that having your every move monitored was just the government's way of making sure you felt loved! But see now, the Terrorists know that we can listen in on their phone calls, Thank You TIMES! Well, Bin Laden escaped from Torah Borah by giving his bodyguard his cell phone, so that they E-Intel (Electronic Intelligence) of the US would follow the bodyguard. That was years before the wiretapping stuff came out. But that was just a lucky guess on his part. NOW, thanks to the times, they know that wiring money from the Omaha, NE Eastern Union Telegraph Office to "Osama B.L." at the 7-11 on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan would get OBL Nabbed when he has to show his DRIVER'S License to get the money! You BLEW it America! Is worrying that the government would know you transferred $500 to Little Janey's account to have that "problem" taken care of before she got back from college and went to Vacation Bible School whilst "Showing in a Family Way" (if you know what I mean and I hope you don't) worth letting this Monster Free?
What next, Times, are you going to let OBL and company know that we're tracking sales of dialysis chemicals to Six-foot-two Saudis in Pakistan? Oohh, wait, ignore that last part. Anyway, be ashamed, NY Times!
Dang it! (Sorry, gotta watch my language!) I almost had it this time! What was it about a country that had a massive security apparatus and spy agency, but that only worked AGAINST its own citizens?
Well, at least the official pronouncements will be correct, accurate, and factual. And the professionalism of the new spokesmen for the government is impressive! Sure, there's a clip of him withering under cross-examination from an 80 year old woman. Whose only real question is "What law is it that authorizes that?" Sure, he can't answer. I guess he thought that just because the Vice-President is denouncing a story in the major newspaper in the country that no one would ask about it. But amazingly enough, they did. Which means that he had no choice but to try to scold her. No wait, I'm trying to remember that old country where the official pronouncements were so absurd and nonsensical that nobody even really bothered to believe them.
Well, anyway, even if I can't remember the name of that place, then at least I can feel secure about the wall that is keeping the hordes from overrunning our country. It's pretty much a done deal, so now all we have to decide is how long it will be. Sealing off the borders of Mexico will keep people from pouring into our Worker's Paradise here in the States.
Wait! That's it! Worker's Paradise! Now I remember. The Berlin Wall wasn't built to keep people IN, it was built to keep people OUT. They had a real problem with the people of the west from flooding INTO the Worker's Paradise. The wall was actually built as the "Anti-fascist Wall of Protection!" They just made a mistake and pointed all the machine-guns the wrong way! That's what it's all been reminding me of: The old Soviet Union and Warsaw Pact.
But that's just nonsense. The Old Soviet Union fell because they bankrupted themselves on Military Expenditures, couldn't balance the books, were overrun with incompetence and corruption, and (mis)ruled by a hermetically sealed oligarchy. No amount of propaganda, spin, spying on their own citizens, or long-term illegal imprisonment could save them! Especially once they put their foot in it and got involved in an ill-advised, unsupported war in the Middle East! (What country was it again? Started with an "A" or something).
Whew. Auntie is relieved. Because as we all know, we're WAY better than them! Collapsing into economic and civil chaos because of the idiocy of our rulers could NEVER happen Here!
Anyway, at least I'll sleep better remembering that!

So Dearies, I desperately want to write something that doesn't belong in the DUH files.
I want to write something that belongs in the WHAT (Who the Hell Anticipated That) files.
Unfortunately, there's nothing really to go into those files this week. Or last week. Or the week before.

• Bush's popularity looks like it might have a 3 percent uptick after offing Zarqawi.

So now everybody that has a cable show is talking about how he's back on top. After all, he's closing in on 40 percent approval! Is there anything this man can't do? (Other than Make the US safer, balance the budget, respect the rule of law, make the country better, lead us as a people, speak to the better angels of our nature, secure our ports, put an end to egregious corporate profiteering, oh, and use the English Language as a means of communication.)
Guess not.

• Karl Rove might not be indicted

Or maybe he will be. We've heard that he will, now we've heard that he won't. Of course, the people that say that he won't are the New York Times. Still the paper of record, they rarely make mistakes (offer not valid if on the subject of Wen Ho Li, WMD, War in Iraq, Bill Clinton, Bill and Hillary's Marriage, Bush's Infallibility, and David Brooks).
Hard to believe that the second most powerful man in Washington (after Dick Cheney) would get off. Glad it will save King George having to type out a pardon; with his spelling skills, the task might have been too much for the poor dear.

• Hillary Clinton is a pandering Triangulator

This is news? Although I will sleep better at night knowing my American Flag is safe from being burned.
AND

• Gays still hate America

Fortunately, the good Christian Folks ™ of America are trying to get 34 States to call for a Constitutional Amendment to protect us from people enjoying their lives.

Really Dear Ones, the list just keeps going on. Iraqis celebrate George Bush's visit by blowing up the 2500th US Soldier, Anne Coulter is still a meanie, and the Theory of Gravity is just another conspiracy to deny God's power in our lives.
But we knew all this.
In the meantime, I'll keep an eye out for the WHAT file.

Well Dear Ones, I wasn't sure what to write today. We had a friend named Maureen stop by from the United Kingdom, and I must say that I'm awfully proud that you have kept the place clean in my absence. She was very impressed with all of you. Now you know why I am so proud!
In light of our recent visitor, I feel like I should write about Tony Blair. He's the Prime Minister of the UK. He used to be a liberal. However, the UK is actually led by a man named George Bush. Hey wait, the same man that got us into our war got us into their war, too! Mr. Blair (don't the British sound so formal when they say that?) visited recently, and was pictured with that nice man George Bush. Notice one of the differences between us and the UK? They call their leaders "Mister" while we call ours "Raving Jackass".
Anyway, Mr. Bush (no, that doesn't sound right, does it?). Try that again.
Anyway, That Raving Jackass Bush (much better!) was at a photo op with Tony Blair. They got all sad faced because the two realize it will probably be their last "Special Visit" together, since Mr. Blair still works in a country that has representative democracy. So the Labour Party (isn't that odd, they work with a U!) is thinking about letting Mr. Blair retire. After all, he's been awfully busy making them as hated in the world as they were in 1903. Destroying your Country's standing in the world by being an enabler for a madman (sorry, talking about the old Afghanistan, of course) makes you really tired.

Ah, my Dear Sweet Ones.
I'm getting used to being back in the real world. Err, the unreal world? You know what I mean.
Computers are good. And I'm glad I have mine back. I hug it every day.
Even when it tells me naughty things. It's not the computer's fault, it can't help that the internet is used by both humans and Republicans.
But my forced absence has led me to do some serious thinking, some serious questioning. This line of thought is worse than the normal "Is our President the dumbest leader since Nero?" Because it hinges on a thought, a scary thought, that he isn't.
See, the argument goes like this: Bush and Cheney wanted to do some things. Rollback the New Deal, drown the government in Debt so that it couldn't function, make the entire government look incompetent so people will clamor for outsourcing, make a ton of money for all the people that they owed, destroy the Democrats, restore the Imperial Presidency.
That's it. Total agenda. Notice I left out things like "Make the US stronger" and "Keep the Citizens Happy" or "Strengthen the Economy" and my personal favorite "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness".
That's because they didn't want to do those things. They don't care about them. As a matter of fact, those things are pretty much antithetical to what they wanted to do. After all, making the US stronger would mean carefully tending the government, which they want to destroy. Keeping the Citizens happy would make it harder to make obscene profits for the people that they owe. Destroying the New Deal and Drowning the Government in debt is the opposite of strengthening the Economy, and of course Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness would just make the Citizens uppity and demand things like "Consent of the Governed" and a government "Of the People, by the People and For the People."
Why save New Orleans? They WANT FEMA dead. That's why they put incompetents in charge. If FEMA and the Corps of Engineers worked, then people wouldn't clamor for KBR to come fix things. Not that they are, but let FEMA sit by while another city or two is destroyed, and the White House thinks that they might.
Conspiracy Theory, you say? No, actually, PNAC (Project for the New American Century), the Brookings Institute and Grover Norquist all spelled it out quite nicely beforehand. It's all written down, heck, it was even in their party platforms! Reduce taxes, outsource, repeal Social Security. They just didn't put it in any 30 second TV ads (I can see them now "Vote Republican, We'll Destroy the Country!"). Which nowadays is the same as hiding it, I guess.
Only those people blessed with my Superpowers of Literacy would bother to actually READ anything, and we're all screaming Liberals anyway!
So, when you look at it in that light, suddenly everything becomes crystal clear. Suddenly everything makes sense. And they aren't idiots at all, but terribly clever people who are doing just what they want.
There are some days where it's hard being able to read. I think I'll turn on the TV, instead.

Really Dears,
It's all terribly the same.
I mean it. Every day the New York Times ISN'T running an editorial that says "Impeach Now" is another day that things will get messed up.
Most of the country, it seems, has settled into a nice fetal position, waiting for the evil to pass. Oh sure, there might be a chance that Democrats can take the House, and we've certainly got to do all that we can to make it happen, but be prepared, the Republicans might be running the show until 2008. Hopefully at the end of this election cycle we'll get a real Presidential Contender whose theme is "Stop Destroying Our Country" instead of "I heard that there were digital Boobies in that Video Game." Thanks, Hillary! I was scared that in November of 2005 you might be defending the Constitution or investigating the loss of a Major American City. Nice to know that you and Joe Liebermann were able to find a little time to Pander to the American Family Council, as if they didn't already think that you were Satana, She-Daughter of Satan!
I heard that Gas prices are up. Funny, didn't this happen before the 2004 Election, also? A cynic might say that Big Oil thinks the jig is up and is engaging in a little profit taking before they have to comply with the Law again. But of course I'm not a cynic. Otherwise I would have thought that they would try a double whammy; raise the prices enough in advance of the election that they can cut towards the end of the cycle and make everything seem better, and take a little profit in case somebody that will enforce the laws mistakenly gets elected. But why should we think like that, right?
Oh, I guess that some people are happy that Arlen Specter (I never did get a straight answer, any relation to Phil?) is making noises about the Constitution and the Rule of Law, but really, Auntie is not holding her breath. Uncle Arlen and your Uncle John McCain always talk tough, but then as soon as Bill Frist scowls at them they back down. That's how they get the reputation of independents coupled with the big bucks associated with the wingnut conservative bloc. Oh wait! Using my super-powers of literacy, I notice that he backed down IN THE ARTICLE! He says "I'm not prepared to call for the withholding of funds." Oh Uncle Arlen is such a Magician! He gets to take a stand and back off of it IN THE SAME BREATH! It used to be that Our Glorious Leader was the only one who could do that!
Uncle Arlen and Uncle John should be careful, though, otherwise they might actually DO something this time. But don't worry, whatever they do will have a signing statement attached that says "If I Feel Like It."
And you can say goodbye to FEMA. I guess we won't have them to kick around, anymore. It's a shame, because I actually rather liked them. But like several other things this White House picked up, they broke it and then said that since it's broken they might as well throw it away and make a new one. Which they have certainly done so well with! I mean just look at Homeland Security! Or the cool new idea they have for Guarding the White Sands MISSLE RANGE with Private Security! After all, John Candy was so good in that "Armed and Dangerous" movie that he could guard all the Test-missiles, right?
Well, I guess there is nothing left to do. Please bring your Auntie another Martini, and let me dream of a day back when Democrats used to stand for something. In the meantime, I'm going to think about the Bosnian Pyramids and play with the Web. I'll have some funny (but not political) things up this weekend. Next week I'll try to quit smoking so I'll be mean enough to really rant at the insanity that runs rampant in our Nation's Capitol (for our Canadian Friends, that applies to your nation's capitol as well! How is Mr. Harper these days, anyway?).

Dear Ones, it has been a few trying days.
Tomorrow I will regale you with the tale of "Auntie Willow and the hooligans who smashed my windshield."
I have my suspicions (I'm looking at YOU, Karl Rove!).
But today, I am still picking glass out of my, ummm, posterior and enjoying the new windshield (or windscreen for our friends that only speak English) on my beautiful Oldsmobile.
So I will show you this link, which a dear friend passed to me.
It is from one of those magazines that you kids like so much, with all your "Rocky Roll" or whatever you call it music.
Apparently there is a magazine called the Rolling Stone, although what it has to do with those revered geriatric rebels I do not know.
However in this weeks issue is an article titled The Worst President in History?
I know they can't mean OUR Glorious Leader! I haven't read it, it must be about Bill Clinton. Since of course Our Glorious Leader is the Best in History! Just ask Scott McClellan. Ooops! Too late. Well, ask the person who replaces Scotty. I know, since you kids just adore him, maybe Bush could score some points and appoint Tom Cruise as Press Secretary! It would certainly make those droll press conferences more....animated!

So I'll get right to the point.

Impeach

Before he kills again.

Dear Ones,
Poor Uncle Thomas has to go away for a little while.
You see the "Democrat Party" has finally been able to bring him down with all of their immense power.
"After many weeks of personal, prayerful thinking and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that it is time to close this public service chapter of my life," your Uncle Thomas said. Thank goodness he's still doing his "prayerful thinking"! (He's probably using that calendar I gave him for the War on Christmas, "How to talk to God without risking him hearing you: 365 Prayerful Thoughts." I'm glad he likes it.)

"I guarantee you, if other offices were under the scrutiny I've been under in the last 10 years, with the Democrat Party announcing that they're going to destroy me, destroy my reputation, and that's how they're going to get rid of me, I guarantee you you're going to find, out of hundreds of people, somebody that's probably done something wrong."

You're right, Thomas. The Democrats are an unbeatable juggernaut. I have always thought losing their spine, the Judiciary, the Legislative Branch, the Presidency, and 35 Governorships they were just gathering their forces for an unstoppable attack. And I was right! Buried in those thousands of laws that Uncle Thomas and Uncle Karl haven't gotten around to demolishing yet, were a few vague sentences about not taking money from companies in order to let them write laws for you! Imagine the nerve! Companies know what the laws should be, that's why they have all the money!
After all, slave labor in an American Territory is just good for business! If only we had been able to seize the Congress back from the Democrats before, we might have been able to make that legal!
Oh wait, sorry. That's not why you are resigning. Oh, yes. I forgot. The awesome power of the Travis County District Attorney's office. The are under the deluded impression that sending $180,000 American in the form of illegal corporate contributions to the Republican National Headquarters, then receiving, well, $180,000 back from the Republican National Headquarters in legal corporate contributions from a slush fund (such an ugly word) would constitute Money Laundering! But money laundering is important! You couldn't have used all that dirty money; they just washed all the filth off of it for you! Who wouldn't want to be able to use the party of Integrity in Government to turn Illegal Campaign Contributions into perfectly legal money? I know I would!
But the Democrat Party hates things like that. They just wanted to "adhere to the law" or something.
Didn't they realize that when you said "I am the Federal Government" while you were smoking in a no-smoking area that you really were? You were above the law, and everyone knew it! Now, using outdated State Laws they have been able to bring you down. Sure, what you did was against the letter and the spirit of the law, but not against God's Law as revealed in your daily "Prayerful Thinking". After all, who is the least among us if not some poor, persecuted Multi-National Corporation like RJ Reynolds. And all they did was love you. Well, love you and fly you on their corporate jet to get to your arraignment. After all, the Federal Government can't fly coach, dearies, that's for poor people.
So cry, my dear ones, cry for poor Uncle Thomas. But don't worry, he'll be back! He's moving to Virginia! He says he's going to "engage in the important cultural and political battles of our day from outside the arena of the United States House of Representatives."
That probably means that he and John Ashcroft are going to go into the lobbying business together. After all, Uncle John JUST STARTED his lobbying firm, and he would be glad to have another person to help him with day to day "Prayerful Thinking" as they go about changing the laws of the US to something that a corporation could live with!
Oh yes, some mean old man on truthout.org wrote something nasty about him. Don't let me catch you kids going over there! They're just a bunch of worthless hippies!

Welcome Dearies!
Today we are going to have fun with words!
I'm talking about ACRONYMS. An Acronym is a word that is made up of the first letters of other words, so it's a shorter way to use a lot of longer words. You have probably heard of Laser (like when your parents say they went to a "trippy Pink Floyd Laser show"), but did you know that the word LASER is made up of the first letters of other words? It stands for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. If you like Science Class, you're in heaven right about now!
But what you might not know about acronyms is that they are the basis for our entire form of government!
I was reminded of this the other day when NPR (which stands for National Public Radio) ran a story about a cool new program to help you children with your adipose. It is called We Can! But like all government programs, it is actually an acronym. It stands for "Ways to Enhance Children's Activity and Nutrition." Hope your parents don't come home with a We Can coloring book, otherwise it's "Bye-bye Nintendo" and "Hello Brussel Sprouts!"
But stupid government programs aren't the only ones that use cool acronyms. If Congress wants to pass a law, for example, then they don't want to name it what it actually does (all laws would be called "The Massive Giveaway to Big Business Act"). That would be boring, and no one would vote for it!
So instead, they give it a cool sounding name by making an Acronym out of what it really is.
Here's an example. You've heard of the PATRIOT act, right? But did you know that it is actually an Acronym? Here's what it stands for:

• Pounding
• Ammendments
• To
• Rubble
• Instigating
• Oligarchic
• Totalitarianism

See? Isn't PATRIOT act a way cooler name for it? But it's not just laws! Did you know that even our President's name is an Acronym? Sure! BUSH actually stands for Bumbling Unilateral Stupid Hegemonist! A hegemonist is someone who thinks that our country should run everything just the way it pleases. And since he runs our country just the way he pleases, then he would get to tell the whole world exactly what to do!
But perhaps the greatest acronym in the government belongs to America's greatest technological achievement. I'm talking about the Cheney-Bot, America's first Robotic Vice President (no, Al Gore didn't count, he was human!).
You see, when Halliburton finished building him, they knew they needed a cool name before they let him leave the factory. So the wizards who programmed him got together, put together all the information they had and voila (don't use that word, dearies, it's French), they had a name! What does it stand for? Why "Can't Help Evil Negativity, Enjoys Yelling" of course!
Do YOU have any acronyms that you want to share? Just click on the comments button and leave them for everybody to admire!

Well Dear Ones,
POP at Morning Martinis has gotten me all worked up today.
It seems that she is a wee bit upset over the failure of a certain political party (She's looking at you, Democrats!) to even pretend to want to censure President Bush.
Apparently, there is still someone in the United States Senate that is taking that moldy old oath of office seriously. This man, named Feingold, is from Wisconsin. Apparently, he is upset that President Bush did something that was, well, illegal.
Now we all know what hotheads people from Wisconsin are. Mr. Feingold has gone and flown off the handle, and is asking the other Senators to, oh, something like "Uphold and Defend the Constitution of the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic."
Which as we all know, won't happen.
You see, there is this law called FISA. Actually, it has a real name but it is so boring and technical that I won't bother to spell it out for you dearies! Let's just say that it says something like "A person is guilty of an offense if he intentionally engages in electronic surveillance under color of law, except as authorized by statute."
Which means that George Bush was wrong when he told the NSA to intercept phone calls that are clearly listed as out of bounds. What do I mean by wrong? Well, I believe the technical term is "Felony" but that language was from that pre-911 world where presidents had to obey Federal Law.
Now, just because everything the President has said is in clear violation of the law, doesn't mean that we should all rush to judgment. The cooler heads at the Democratic Party, the same people that brought you the 2000 Election Fiasco, the 2002 Election Debacle, and the 2004 Election Catastrophe think that we should "Get the Facts". I mean, it's not like the president is on video tape at press conferences admitting he broke the law, right? Ok, so he is. But he'll discuss this with congress, right? Ok, so he won't. But if he ever feels like answering the questions of the other Democrats, then they might get around to saying that they think they have enough information to talk about forming a committee to look into what they call a "Censure", which is kind of like a Frowny Face on the President's Report card.
But hotheaded Russell Feingold wants to do away with the committee to see whether the president broke the law, to save the 15 minutes it would take to read the law and watch the videotapes of the President saying "Yep! I did it!"
AND, he wants to do away with the committee to decide to look into a committee calling for censure. He just wants to go ahead and censure the President.
Now some of you may be asking if this isn't serious enough to send President Bush to what I like to think of as the "Federal Penitentiary Naughty Stool" for a 10 year time out as is called for explicitly in the law. I just want to say that you are so young to hate our country! True, when the people that wrote the Constitution thought about a President being naughty, they decided that Congress wouldn't roll over for him and they might remove him from office. But you have to understand that when an adult says "Naughty", they aren't thinking about bankrupting the country, torturing Americans and other people (trick question! Nobody else counts as people!), destroying our reputation, arresting citizens without cause or trial, violating their oath of office or destroying the law of the land (killing 100,000 Iraqis because it's a "Blah Monday" doesn't count, either).
You would, of course, be wrong. What President Bush has done (see above) DOESN"T COUNT as naughty, because he didn't have sex. Your Uncle Bill Clinton did, which is why we had to try to remove him from office. You see, Uncle Bill adhered to the laws of the land, upheld his oath of office, made America a shining beacon for Democracy, and was careful with money (he only spent the money he had). But he did a naughty thing with a girl who was old enough to, well, legally consent, but she was obviously too young to realize what a horrible slut she was. So Uncle Bill had to go, whereas your Uncle George shouldn't be censored!
Unless he has sex with someone who's not his wife. Then he should be impeached.

Well Dear Ones,
According to Starbucks, who have absolutely no vested interest in the occasion, today was National Coffee Break Day.
Auntie celebrated with several warm glasses of the aforementioned beverage, and as always, it provided a soothing clarity, as well as a much-needed jumpstart to my battered psyche.
Unfortunately, it wasn't long after that when the pains began.
As my racing mind grappled with random events and reports from the last few days, a dreadful kind of clarity began to seep in.
Like the report on National Public Radio. I know, I listen to such communist claptrap so you dear ones can focus on your little videogames and such. But there was something odd about the report that the US has to provide waivers to the countries that refused to sign waivers.
Apparently the US has been refusing to provide military aid to countries that don't sign a waiver exempting US Service and Intelligence Personnel from actions by the International Criminal Court in The Hague. For my very young Dearies, the ICC is a permanent tribunal designed to punish War Crimes and Crimes against Humanity. So of course we don't want to sign it, since we are the Bastion of Freedom. Ok, that's a little confusing to me. But other countries have joined the Court, which means that if we send our soldiers to someplace that doesn't realize that waterboarding and sodomy with foreign objects isn't torture, like Attorney General Gonzales says, then they might be in danger of being arrested.
So we don't send them guns, or bring them to the "School of the Americas", a training school we run that has such illustrious Alumni as Manuel Noriega. But, for some reason, those countries still seem to want guns. So they turn to the same place that US consumers are turning: China.
Well, what can the Bush Administration do? Nothing, because they are, of course, right. I mean Correct. But they are talking about maybe making Waiver Waivers. So that we could give a waiver to countries that don't sign our waiver, so they will be happy with Good Ole US of A weapons and interrogation tactics, instead of stupid old Chinese tactics. Which don't even work! (I mean the "Chinese Water Torture" doesn't even come close to drowning suspects!)
And to think that these are the same people that hate our Freedom so much!
It's enough to make you reach for another cup of delicious coffee.

Ahh Dear Ones, I am sooo close to finishing a book that I am writing!
That is one reason for your Auntie's periodic disappearances. I'm sure it is nothing that you sweet ones would want to read, it is on Microsoft Word, but I can almost taste the sweet celebratory latte!
But then again, I have to stay focused. Whenever I block out a couple of days to write, the world goes insane again.
Like poor Dick Cheney (actually, I believe his proper name is Richard, but I like to call him "DICK").
Apparently, he has caused somewhat of a flap recently, with a minor hunting accident. Oh yes, and not having the proper hunting license (not for humans, silly, they don't give those out! I'm talking about the one for quail).
The Vice-President has been silent on this count, but I was able to get my hands on his version of events through one of my contacts (Shout out to Giles in the Executive Valet Service!). This is a personal account, and I've excerpted the pertinent passages.

February 11th, 2006

Dear Diary. I'm so excited I could grimace! Today's the big day. After we got that Alito Kid on the Court, I'm finally above the law!
So to celebrate, I'm modeling myself after my favorite leader, King Charles the First: I'm going hunting. After all, look at how well things turned out for him.
But no quail, or porcupine, or even badger can give me the thrill that my doctors explicitly warned against. No, this time, I'm going for the most dangerous game….a lawyer.
What a fitting cap to this celebration. Now that no law can touch me, no lawyer can, either. Lynne thought I should go after a hobo or something, but I've already bagged so many hobos (back when I had to obey the law) that I've lost track. No, this celebration calls for only the biggest game: Lawyer.
I wish I could have found a Democrat, but there aren't that many left alive in Texas, and most of the ones that are seem to be a little gun-shy. Well, too bad for Welly! They shouldn't have driven off all the Democrats.
I hope that I don't damage the pelt; it would make a fine looking rug. A little wrinkled to be sure, but hopefully they can stretch it out.
Well, Giles is here with my hunting togs. I don't know why I get a thrill to wear crappy clothes to an official somber function but a three piece to go hunting, but I do.
Dear Diary, I'll talk to you again when we are back at the undisclosed location, drinking sherry and admiring my kill.
XXOO
Dick

This really isn't very funny.
I keep trying to laugh, but it is pretty damned hard.
There are rules that are supposed to rule this country. These compromises were hammered out in buildings that still bore the bullet holes of our nation's birth-pangs.
I talk to people today, and they have no feeling for where we were, so they have no idea why these safeguards were put into place. It is like they are living the future without the compass of the past.