Latte Lectures Comments

Mr. Munns: Press Conference

medventures@aol.com (Mr. Munns) — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 08:59:32 -0700

To whom it may concern,

As Press Secretary I feel obligated to point out that "Thunderbird wine" was not considered an illegal substance at the time Auntie Willow is alleged to have consumed it. Also, to my knowledge, no one has ever proved it to be a performance enhancing substance. That said, I assume my client will take the 5th from here.

Mr. Munns
Press Secretary

Skullcrusher: Hearse

skullcrusher13@sbcglobal.net (Skullcrusher) — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:48:24 -0700

Greetings. Skullcrusher here. Your quest to meet all of the hearse drivers is an admirable one. However, to quote Yoda, "There is another." A guy named Bill drives one, and he knows more about hearses than any one person should.

As to your questions about me, I certainly don't want to give away all my secrets at once, but I can tell you that I'm not a Republican. And while I don't actively attend Sunday School, I have to date spent more time in church than most will in their entire life. I'm also an aspiring vegetarian.

Your Latte Love dating profile is more accurate than you'd think, although I have yet to get any action from it. I'm not a florist, however. I've never really seen the point of flowers, and actually think they are prettier when dead. I'm really an actuary. And for those of you that know what that is, I'm sorry. I can assure you it's even more boring than it sounds.

Turn-ons: Too many to list. But let's just say that Kat Von D embodies everything I look for in a woman. (And being obsessed with all things lesbian, I'm actually more interested in Mary Cheney than Lynne Cheney.)

Turn-offs: You pretty much nailed it, except for the part about superhero tattoos. Most people don't realize it, but I'm tattooed head to toe with my favorite superhero, the Invisible Woman from the Fantastic Four.

Hobbies: I collect shower curtain rings, and I do booger sculpture.

Quote: Is absolutely true.

auntiewillow: Rock and Roll

willowanne@gmail.com (auntiewillow) — Wed, 30 May 2007 15:18:59 -0700

More like "Umm, Ma'am, would you like a cherry soda?"
"Perhaps," I said, thinking that once his complexion cleared up he might leave his job at the Pharmacy Soda counter for a career as a network anchor. Such a demanding career choice would require discipline, though. Discipline is what I have to Give!
"Well, Ma'am, the counter closes in 5 minutes...so, if you want one" he stammered, blushing.
"Want one? Indeed I do. Why don't you walk your Dear Auntie out to her Limo? It's a dark parking lot, and I need an....escort."
Or something like that.

Spener: Rock and Roll

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Spener) — Wed, 30 May 2007 14:38:17 -0700

So did the introduction go something like, "Hey, I'm Snake."
"Is that your name or what you do?"
and next thing ya know, he's drinkin' champagne out of your spiked-heel boot.

auntiewillow: God Needs You To Send Me Money!

willowanne@gmail.com (auntiewillow) — Fri, 18 May 2007 16:14:59 -0700

You are so very sweet, dear Spencer!
And since I shall put the money to the LORD's work in getting plastic surgery (to appeal to the non-believer), a cabana boy (the Lord's Work is tiring!) and possibly helping the poor or yadda yadda, then it really WILL be like giving away everything, except, of course, I'll sign all the checks...

Spencer: God Needs You To Send Me Money!

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Spencer) — Fri, 18 May 2007 16:06:44 -0700

The problem was that Jerry did not have his own plane to get him to heaven. We need to start your campaign off right. Something along the lines of: http://www.bennyhinn.org/external/pdf/dove_one_brochure.pdf

I'm pulled to recall some scripture: Mark Chapter 10, verse 21:
"Jesus looked at him and loved him. One thing you lack, he said. Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. "

and t-shirts, too. WWWD - what would willow do?

at least hold out for the plane like Benny Hinn...

Kwtia: Kurt Vonnegut, RIP

willowanne@gmail.com (Kwtia) — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 02:39:16 -0700

!!!
You're back! You're back!
I am so excited i haven't been able to read anything yet.. I had lost hope, and yet here you are again

MAX: Kurt Vonnegut, RIP

willowanne@gmail.com (MAX) — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 04:36:13 -0700

madam, shall i bring you the heads of all of those "petty-minded morons" and display them pool-side? i think young joe is incapalble of such acts.

Spencer: Let's Talk Salvation with our Friends!

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Spencer) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 18:37:11 -0700

and I thought my number would end in 69...

Spencer: A Promise to Promise

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Spencer) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 18:35:38 -0700

gee, after your dining experience with my better half, I read this thinking is was me...
I'm pleased and hurt all at the same time.

Mr. Haggis: Welcome Home Guys!

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Mr. Haggis) — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 18:34:11 -0700

ah, the ramblings will be a-plenty once I pull it all together. There will be tales of woe...of mystery...of conquest! Even an Angry American story (which, btw, was not me)

auntiewillow: Let's Talk Salvation with our Friends!

willowanne@gmail.com (auntiewillow) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:48:49 -0700

No baby, You're DEFINITELY in there! Didn't I say you were just tired but not allowed to put your feet on the bed? Wait, is that THAT Spencer or another one? You should really use the Unique Number I assigned you if you're THAT Spencer. Otherwise how could I tell you all apart?
Just Kidding! # 35235, YOU are the "special" guy!
XXOO//
Auntie Willow

Spencer: Let's Talk Salvation with our Friends!

spencerlucas@gmail.com (Spencer) — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 17:14:45 -0700

ah, the queen of segue...you took me from being a christian into global warming...into family...almost an uncle (wink)...and then I get a pony all peppered with a little discipline!

I felt like a whole sort of eric bogosian rant with ties to kafka and william s burroughs, except I was the bug in Metamorphosis that Burroughs wanted to exterminate like the kafkaesque capitalist pig that i am...stop the ride I want to get off...am i the chihuahhua?!?!?!

Damn you Willow and your riding crop references!

Fight the power! They know who they are--we may even work for them

auntiewillow: Why your Uncle Alberto is as good as Fired

willowanne@gmail.com (auntiewillow) — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 18:53:50 -0700

Thank you so much!
Now I'm blushing!
I might have to post an artist's rendition of me blushing later!
Welcome MariaMaria, and have some coffee while you're here!
XXOO
Auntie Willow

mariamaria: Why your Uncle Alberto is as good as Fired

mariamariacuchita@yahoo.com (mariamaria) — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 14:19:55 -0700

Vey well-written, and very clever. Thanks. I got a laugh out of this.